realization

Sophia and me on March 21st 2003, the day she was born.

Ever since I had Sophia I marveled at my feelings for her, I wondered what was it that I was actually feeling. At the time I was still young and new to the country. The big feeling I had for her, was it love, like I had always heard, you feel endless amount of love for this little being?Certainly there was love, but it was not what I would call this feeling I had for her. She was about 2 years old when the love that I felt for her really overcame me and I just suddenly realized wow, I love her so much.

What was the feeling that I felt so strongly all this time?

Mateo and me on June 23rd 2008, the day he was born.

When Mateo was born, I did have the experience of love and joy just coming over me and embracing this little being in my arms and heart. From the beginning love was the predominant feeling I had for him. I had just met him and yet he felt so familiar to me. There was no question in my mind that I would love him, care for him and be there for him as long as I breathe.

After comparing and wondering about the differences of feelings for my two children, I realized that I have always felt extremely proud of Sophia! The kind of proud where you just want to burst. I felt proud of her from the time she was in my utero. When I was pregnant with her I had to catch my daily train to the city. At times I had to run and I would hold my growing belly and say to her, "Sophia hold on tight, here we go". That was such a bonding moment for me with her.

That is what our relationship is like, we do things together. She has come to school with me, sitting quietly next to me while I took my Chemistry quiz, she came to work with me, she was my student during my first year teaching. On the weekends she would try out projects for me to see if the students could do it. She always wants to participate in projects with me, she wants to do it herself, now with Mateo she is helping me mothering him. The list can go on. She is my little companion in this life.

I can get angry at her, oh so angry at her, but I realize now that no matter how much she fights with us she there is that feeling that never goes away and that is that I am endlessly PROUD OF HER!

Putting a name to these feelings and seeing both powerful in their own way, I feel relieved and happy. I have two extraordinary people in my life and with each I have strong and confident relationships with. I never want to stop working at them and treasuring them. Thank you.